Friends, I have been on hiatus for the last week. It was great, thanks for asking. Now let’s kick this bitch into high gear the best way I know how. Here are 5 stories I found that, for all intents and purposes, should definitely not be making headlines (but somehow are).
#5) Jon & Kate + 8 are having marriage problems.
Jon and Kate Gosselin have 8 kids and for that reason they were given their own reality TV show…on TLC. Besides the fact that she is the original Octomom, they are in the news because homeboy apparently can’t keep it in his pants…this is NEWS? The funniest part: he says he isn’t cheating on her. We’ll all find out that he’s a lying sack of shit. They will have a very public break up. Their kids will turn into drug dealers and crack whores. It’s happened a million times before and it will happen a million times more. I reiterate, why is this news?
#4) China built a sex theme park and then destroyed it.
Developers billed the attraction in Chongqing as tasteful and socially beneficial. But senior officials conducted an emergency tour of Love Land last weekend and deemed it an “evil” influence.
I KNEW IT! Sex is evil. Why are the Chinese always one step ahead of us? In all seriousness, however, I dare you to read the article and not laugh. If you find the words ‘giant genitalia’ entertaining, you can’t go wrong. How is this newsworthy?
#3) Some Sri Lankan group wants to be a sovereign nation.
Objection, your honor: esoteric. Don’t bother reading the article. But, if you insist, here it is.
#2) Lisa Rinna admits she had silicon lip injections.
Lisa Rinna ‘finally admits’ she had her lips injected with silicon and something went wrong. No shit, really? My favorite quote from the article:“I do not blow up and down my lips,” she assured fans.
Thank God! I’m not even a fan and I was worried she blew her lips up and down. What does that mean? Why is she famous? Why is this news?
#1) Sweating makes Kim Kardashian feel sexy.
Fox News reports that Kim thinks sweating is sexy. I called Ray Jay and he told me he totally agrees with that. It’s, like, amazing that celebrities do normal things. Like, who knew Kim was into sweating? I totally didn’t. But, I called Claire and Jillian and told them and they were so all about it. And I was like “really?” and they were like “ya.”
And, now, a direct quote from Kim: “I don’t go on the scale but in my closet I have a whole heap of jeans. I have on one side a whole heap of the skinny ones that I don’t fit into, they’re the ones I could lose a few pounds to get into and I only really had two pairs I would wear over and over all the time. I now fit into the ones on the other side of the closet I can fit into a little bit better. The ones I’m wearing today I couldn’t fit into at all six months ago.”
WHAT? Is it too much to ask that our celebrities be famous for a reason? I think there should be a caveat to being a celebrity: if you have no real talent or marketable skills outside of being “pretty” and being friends with other famous people, you must be, at least marginally, articulate. If not, stroll your unphotoshopped cellulite ass back to Calabasas and be stupid with the rest of your family and don’t invite cameras in so that everyone can see. Got it, Kim? Good.
Why, oh why, is this news?
Lol!
That octomum must take it up the chimney now. I mean for him it must be like throwing a baseball down an alleyway.
A girl I went to school with and who I had a massive crush on had a baby at 15 and from then on after I couldn’t look at her because the other fellas in the school used to walk with their legs spread apart and somehow I imagined that she had an enormous vagina.
Why do we covet celebrity so much? It must be impossible for a celebrity not to get work now. I mean you can be on any number of reality shows or if you have kept your looks release a sex tape.
Take the Osbornes for example. They are famous because they had a tv show where they laughed at their retarded father and cursed at each other. Where are they now I hear you ask. Well Sharon still appears on talent shows judging peoples “talent” despite the fact she is with out doubt the most vacous human being on the planet. Jack, lost weight and appeared on a celebrity version of challenge. He lost all of his challenges which included cutting a salami in half.
Kelly is storing food in her cheeks for all the squirrels in britain and Ozzy is probably trapped down a man hole surviving only by eating his own flesh.